“He redeemed them because of his love and compassion; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of the past.” Isaiah 63:9b

Why does accepting God’s free gift of love, grace, and salvation oftentimes seem too simplistic and too easy? We feel as though we must earn it, and since we cannot, then, naturally, we must demonstrate and prove that we are worthy of this. I wonder at the enduring patience of God. How can He be so full of love and kindness and grace when we repeatedly act like spoiled children? Sometimes when I try to envision God, I have this image in my mind of God shaking His head at our continued antics to grab His attention and approval.

Though I have been a believer in Jesus for most of my life, only in recent years am I learning how to be a true follower of Jesus. Things that once appeared so black and white for me are now only shades of grey. God’s abundant grace for me astounds me and only ever more so as I lean into Him, though I am guilty of riding the pendulum swing.

For as long as I can remember, I have enjoyed the study of Scripture. In high school, I would seek to engage my youth leaders in theological debates and feel accomplished if I managed to stump them. I knew the Word. I loved the Word. Yet I wrestled with living out the Word. Fast forward into some poor life choices, and that same Word became condemnation for me, and I felt ashamed. From that place of shame, I crawled back to Jesus, only this time, I was determined to prove that His grace was not going to be wasted on me. I was going to be the best-behaved Christian in the church. Only, this side of eternity, the battle between the Spirit and the flesh does not cease. Hence, the pendulum swing from accepting forgiveness at my lowest point to then proving to God I would not let Him down and be worthy of His grace.

Rules made me feel safe. Structure was found in knowing the expectations. But freedom became elusive, as though someone would see through to the thinly-veiled shame of my past and deem me a fraud. This is the roller coaster we ride when we do not accept grace, redemption, and freedom the way God offered it to us–freely and without cost. When we fixate on ourselves as the recipient of grace rather than God, the Giver of grace, everything else falls out of focus. We subconsciously accept the narrative that there must be something innately within us that makes God want to offer us His love and grace. And pride begins to seep in.

Unless, of course, we are failing in our fight against our flesh, then shame becomes our clothing. Yet, it is neither what we do nor what we fail to do that makes us acceptable to Jesus. It is by His love, His Hesed (covenant love and loving-kindness), and His compassion that we are redeemed. We have gotten it all wrong. It has always been about Him, by Him, and for Him. He delights to show us His love, His mercy, and His grace. He longs for fellowship, intimacy, and friendship with us. From the very beginning, in the Garden of Eden, He demonstrated His desire to walk alongside humankind.

God is omniscient, meaning He is all-knowing. He knew when He created us to be His image-bearers that we would reject Him and seek our own ways. Yet He chose to create us anyway, knowing all along that He would make a way to bring us back into full harmony and relationship with Him. And this would come at great cost to Him–the very life and blood of His One and Only Son, Jesus Christ. So often, in our self-centeredness, we forget that nothing we do surprises God. We forget that God made a way for us to be with Him, in the midst of our own sinfulness. He did not decide to save us only after He deemed us worthy of it. He did not extend His scepter of grace to us only once He felt like we had earned it or deserved it. No, no. It was while we were still sinners that He chose to redeem us by His blood (Romans 5:8).

For me, it is easy to glance at my past full of mistakes, sin, and shame and get stuck there. I can easily outline all of the reasons I am unworthy of the love and grace and redemption of Jesus. I don’t deserve His kindness, His gifts, His friendship, His refuge. I often think that whatever happens to me, I deserve that, especially if it isn’t good. I hear the echoes from the hallways I once traversed. I see my own scars, faded and no longer red, but still there. The scars remind me of the grace of God and how He carried me through all of it, even the moments He held me kicking and screaming against Him.

This time of year, I am most poignantly reminded of His faithful presence and healing through the years. I walk down memory lane, and I want to hit my knees. But I no longer want to hit them in shame, being bent under the pressure and weight of my sin. I hit them now in humility, arms outstretched in praise to the One who carried my sin and shame to the cross of Calvary and left it there, nailed to the cross. My debt is paid. All to Jesus I owe.

Earlier I said that I have been a believer for a long time. Now, I am a follower of Jesus. I have followed my own path many, many times. My own path has never led me to a good place. Temporary pleasures and short-term, empty satisfaction, for sure. Only the path of surrender is the pathway from my past to true life in my present. The ultimate, eternal life will only be experienced when I see Jesus face-to-face. However, truly living the abundant life can happen this side of eternity. Satisfied living is walking in the freedom that Jesus loves me because of who He is and who He says I am. There is nothing we can ever do, or fail to do, that will make us any more or any less lovable to Jesus. He is full of love and compassion.

What does this mean for me and you today? Be free, sisters and brothers, in Christ. It is for freedom that Christ has set us free (Galatians 5:1). Do not be bound by your past. The enemy wants to keep you there, but Jesus carried us through our pasts. Be free from feeling like you must follow certain rules in order to be acceptable to Jesus. Let the work of the Spirit be made manifest in us to make us who He wants us to be. Walk with Jesus every single day. It will always, ALWAYS, be worth it. As time passes, our hearts and focus will transition from rules to relationship.

Psalm 16:11 sums it up best: “You reveal the path of life to me; in your presence is abundant joy; at your right hand are eternal pleasures.”

Blessings!